Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Nothing to do, you say?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.