The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
You Might Also Like
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?