Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks