I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You Might Also Like
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?