My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
gm
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink