Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
this is how life feels
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?