BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then