BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Tell me you get it…🤣
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.