“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim