You Might Also Like
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?