Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.