I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!