My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix