I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
You Might Also Like
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.