I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”