King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
That was easy.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Hero horse inspires millions
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.