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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.