When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
i can’t wait that long
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.