Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas