Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
They must have gotten it to go.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?