There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high