The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.


Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.


Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.


[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house


It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.


Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops


Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.


Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.


I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…


Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!