The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties