I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Just say no
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
The photographer’s assistant
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol