Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
no regrets