My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Effort made
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that