My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
oppen heimer style lol
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)