When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS