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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
sliding into dms like
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]