when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
True
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: