DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You Might Also Like
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE