People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
nothing saves money like being antisocial
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop