me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”