This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.