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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I hate my earbuds.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.