there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Mission: Impossible
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.