“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.