First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Smells like a challenge to me
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie