Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
There are usually two types of merchants.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date