[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.