For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Siri, fight Alexa.