This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.