Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.