No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
💻🤡
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
that wasn’t the question
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless