My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?