Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You Might Also Like
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.