You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You sure about that?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy