i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease