ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me driving through Toronto
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?