Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.