SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You Might Also Like
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
🚲+physics = winner
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Woke up against my better judgment again
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings