Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?