I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You Might Also Like
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
bears
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Welcome to the stomach
The pasta is now
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away