I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…![]()
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?