I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough