“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I occasionally drink every single night.
Bond. Trauma bond.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*